Proverbs 3:5-6

Hello everyone.

A lot has happened in the last several days and I am just now getting around to blogging.  I felt the title of this particular blog needed to be Proverbs 3:5-6 because the verse spoke to me and is helping me get through this adoption process.

Several days ago, Mickey and I had finished our paperwork for the placing agency and was getting ready to mail it off. We had just ate lunch and while sitting in my patrol car (literally putting all the documents into a folder to be mailed) my cell phone rang.  It was our homestudy specialist, who called to say the director wanted to talk to us about a little girl at a different placing agency.  I cannot describe how excited I was to think a week after our last homestudy visit and we could possibly be matched with a child!   Several minutes later, the director called and said there was an eight month old little girl who has not been matched yet; her special need was that she was visually impaired.  The placing agency wanted us to send our medical checklist before they even officially "referred" us this little one.  Mickey and I had put "minor" vision impairment on our checklist so we were uncertain if we would be referred.  Again, I can't emphasize enough the timing of how all this played out and how God is working in our lives. 

The next day, our director sent an email saying the placing agency was sending this little one's medical records...we were told she specifically matched our medical checklist!  I couldn't believe how fast all this was happening....and I couldn't stop staring at pictures of this sweet little face.  I quickly called the pediatrician and contacted a pediatric ophthamologist since we knew she had a "minor" visual impairment.  Both agreed to look at her records and give their professional opinion. 

Yesterday, we received a copy of her medical records and took them to both doctors.  Several hours later, we were at a friend's house eating dinner and my cell phone rang,it was the ophthamologist!  I listened to what Dr. Douglas said and my heart sank.  Our "future" little one did not have a "minor" visual impairment.  She was blind.  Words cannot describe how I felt at that moment and how I still feel.  How could this happen?  We were told she matched our checklist.  My friend consoled me and she was able to relate to what Mickey and I were going through (our friends had been through a similar situation with their adoption). 

Later that night, (10:57pm to be exact) my cell phone rang again; it was the pediatrician.  When I thought my heart couldn't be any more broken, Dr. Hinkebein gave us even more devestating news.  He described her medical conditions in detail and they were not "minor" by any means.  I just sat at the table and sobbed.  My mind raced and I felt guilty...and still do.  I felt guilt over the fact if I was pregnant with this little girl and she had all these conditions I wouldn't say "no" to her.  I wouldn't abort her or  get rid of her because she was special needs.  I would love her unconditionally and she would be perfect.  But, these were different circumstances and this was not a pregnancy.  We filled out the checklist with realistic expectations of what we felt we could handle given our situation. Mickey consoled me and expressed that we need to pray for this little girl and pray that a family, who is open to her needs, will adopt her.  It was such an overwhelming feeling of mixed emotions to know she was not our "little one".

This morning, I was looking through scripture and came across Proverbs 3:5-6.

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
      And lean not on your own understanding;
       ⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
      And He shall direct your paths.

I don't understand "why" this happened, but I must lean on Him.  I will pray for that sweet baby girl, her birthmother, foster parents and for that very fortunate family that will someday adopt her.

This is a learning experience and we are learning.